


Power of Insanity

by LoriStori



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen, Insanity, Kidnapping, Sarcasm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-02
Packaged: 2017-12-17 12:24:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoriStori/pseuds/LoriStori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen always knew that the Black Order was crazy, he just didn't realize that it might ever become a problem. Except now, it suddenly is, and Allen is desperate to get out. One phone call and an arranged kidnapping later, and Allen now has the opportunity to learn first hand that, in this war, there's no such thing as sanity. Crack-like in plot, but well-written. Rated to be safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Desperation Breeds Escape Routes

**Author's Note:**

> I've been off-line for a long time, and I know I haven't updated any of my other fics, however, I haven't had a computer in nearly six months, and I've recently become rather bored with the Naruto fandom. I may or may not continue my creations some time, however, I'm not promising anything.
> 
> Feel free to take some of them and continue them yourself, by the way. I really don't care, just make sure to give credit so you don't get flamed. That way I don't have to deal with you suing me.
> 
> In any event, in more recent news, I've gotten into the -Man fandom. It is truly an astounding series, and so, I would like to make my contribution to it.
> 
> This is definitely not the first fic that I've written for this fandom, but it is the first one that I've typed up. It is also the only one that could even remotely be labeled as crack-like. The rest are all still sitting around on pieces of paper waiting to be digitalized properly.
> 
> Those poor unfortunate souls.
> 
> But all of that is beside the point.
> 
> The point right now is that I have written you some story, and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Bon voyage, mis amis.

**Power of Insanity**

**Chapter One:**

**Desperation Breeds Escape Routes**

Allen Walker always knew that the Black Order was crazy. He didn't really see a problem with that before, since he never really considered himself to be all that high up on the sanity-scale either. However, even he knew that there was only so much craziness that could be allowable before things start going wrong.

That point had by now long since passed by on a little go-cart while showing off its ass and yodeling like a Scottish priest taking a dump.

Allen walked passed little clumps of people who either smiled at him encouragingly, or sneered at him like he was the scum on their shoes.

The smiles bothered him. He was used to the sneering, but the smiles... the smiles freaked him out.

It was like this every time he walked around the Black Order Headquarters these days. While the exorcists busied themselves with saving the world and shit when they were out on their missions, when they got back to HQ, all of a sudden, everyone was divided.

All because no one could agree with whether Allen himself was a heretic and/or possible traitor to the Black Order.

Allen found this accusation highly amusing. Not because they were spot on, or because they were in any way right (it was true that he held the 14th's memories, they had that part right – the rest was a load of proverbial excrement, though). Rather, he was amused because he knew that if people didn't stop arguing about whether he was a bloody heretic, he was probably going to become one just so he didn't have to listen to anyone go on about it any longer.

Okay, so maybe amused wasn't the right word.

Irritable would have fit much better, if he was honest.

Speaking of living up to the wrong people's expectations, he had just passed by yet  _another_ argument of his traitor-status.

If he passed by one more god-damned fight, he was going to –

Allen rolled his eyes as he didn't even get to finish his mental threat before he passed by another one. Right. His eyes filled with determination as he stalked off, snatching Timcampy out of the air as he passed the golem by, before finding a secluded place and dialing a number.

He waited for a moment before a person on the other end picked up.

"Hellooo~ This is Kamelot residence, Road Kamelot speaking. What can I help you with?" came the oh-so-familiar voice on the other end.

Allen shivered. The sadistic little girl's voice still gave him nightmares.

"Hey, Road, this is Allen – can I talk to Tykki for a moment?"

"Ah! Allen! I've missed you~" The girl said, far too happily in his opinion. Then he heard her voice suddenly change to that of a spoiled pouting child. "Why do you want to talk to Tykki? Why not me?"

Allen sighed, mentally rolling his eyes at the girl's mood swings. "Listen Road, if all goes well, you'll get to talk to me as much as you want very soon, so could you put Tykki on the line please?"

"Really? Yay~! Hold on, I'll go get him!" Once again, the girl's voice was sounding far too happy in Allen's opinion.

This didn't bode well. He could feel it.

Well, no sense in stopping now, he thought, hearing the phone being picked up lazily on the other end.

"Oi, boy, what's this I hear about you promising Road something? The girl's bouncing off the walls like she only does when she gets the best present she's ever had. What the hell did you say?"

Allen sweat-dropped at the distinct lack of any real concern in the other man's voice, despite his words. He decided to ignore that and just ask for what he came for, so he could be done with this.

"Tykki, I need you to kidnap me."

"..." Allen could practically hear the other man raise an eyebrow on the other end. "Oh? Well, I certainly haven't heard that one before."

Allen grimaced. "Tykki, I'm serious – get me out of here! These people are nuts!"

Allen heard the man laugh. "Of course they are, boy. You weren't seriously expecting a bunch of warlike religious freaks to be  _sane,_ were you?"

Allen rolled his eyes. "Of course not, what do you take me for? Wait, don't answer that," Allen continued, grimacing as he heard the other man snicker. "Regardless, I always knew the Black Order was a little off-kilter in the sanity department – I just never realized that they completely and totally bat-shit crazy with a cherry on top."

Tykki was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off at this point – at least, mentally. "My, boy, I never knew you had such an amusing way with words."

Allen grunted. "Just hurry up and kidnap me, dammit. I'm crazy enough as it is, I don't need to be influenced by the Headless Sheeple of the Black Asylum for the Mentally Challenged. Get me out of here already!"

And with that, he hung up.

Tykki held the phone in his hand for a moment and stared at it, face completely blank. "Headless . . . Sheeple . . . of the Black Asylum? Where the hell does this boy come up with this stuff?" Tykki snickered to himself, and the snicker became a chuckle, before devolving into a full-fledged laugh as he thought about that title a little more.

He wiped a tear from his eye and decided to get to business. He had a (now most likely deranged) little brother to rescue.

After all, he couldn't possibly ignore such a heartwarming request for assistance, especially when the boy practically begged for it.

And anyways, kidnapping people was fun. Even if Allen didn't struggle, his so-called "friends" probably would.

This should be entertaining.

Tykki made his way out of the front door, idly wondering if Allen's acquired insanity could possibly ruin his poker skills any. Nah. The kid was already crazy when Tykki first met him, he doubted a little more insanity would do anything to his card-sharking abilities.

It would probably even make them better than they already were.


	2. Escape Leads to Treason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allen always knew that the Black Order was crazy, he just didn't realize that it might ever become a problem. Except now, it suddenly is, and Allen is desperate to get out. One phone call and an arranged kidnapping later, and Allen now has the opportunity to learn first hand that, in this war, there's no such thing as sanity. Crack-like in plot, but well-written. Rated to be safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Sheeple.
> 
> Do you like my new suit? I find it hides the fact that I have brown fur and sharp canines fairly well - what do you think?
> 
> Also, just for the record, I do not know if I will keep this fic going all alone, or start a couple others to help me stay interested. If I do start another, it will most likely end up being a Harry Potter one. Probably dark. For want of a nail, you know.
> 
> Also, I'm looking for, not necessarily a beta, but a reviewer out there who is willing to take time out of their day to review each chapter I put out and tell me what went well and what went wrong and such, so I can keep doing the former and decapitate the latter. If anyone's interested, drop me a pm informing me so that I know to keep an eye out for your username. At the moment, you'd only be expected to review the first chapter of Power of Insanity, and any chapters following it (including this one). If I write any other stories, I may ask you to do another of them, but I won't ask you to do any of my currently abandoned/on-hiatus stories.
> 
> With All of that covered,
> 
> allow me to bid you adieu, and hope that you
> 
> Enjoy your next installment of

 

**Power of Insanity**

**Chapter Two:**

**Escape Leads to Treason**

Allen knew immediately when Tykki came to the Black Order HQ. The screams of hundreds of scientists and random finders were pretty telling, after all.

Never mind the fact that Johnny came barreling into the cafeteria where Allen was just finishing up eating and started yelling a mile a minute about how the Noah of Pleasure was there and asking for "Mr. Allen".

At that point, Allen had to pinch the bridge of his nose to prevent the sudden on-rush of a migraine. Could Tykki have been any more dramatic when doing this?

Allen should have known better than to ask that question, for the moment he did, the cafeteria doors blew open and the Noah of Pleasure, Tykki Mikk himself, came waltzing through the doors like he'd just had the time of his life, although the screaming body of Howard Link being dragged behind him sort of threw the image off.

Allen stared at the currently yelling man who had been stalking him (admittedly on superior orders) for the past month or so and reporting to the guy who was trying to get Allen lynched.

Yeah, on second thought, he saw nothing wrong with the picture of a screaming Howard Link being dragged around by a Noah.

What better goodbye-present to give to his most favorite person than have the biggest heretic in the world drag said two-dotted-freak-of-nature around?

Allen returned to his food and finished off the last of it, before piling all of the dishes calmly on to his cart and returning them to Jerry, who just stared at the whitette like he'd never seen anyone like him.

Which wasn't a surprise – how many white-haired 16 year olds do you see every day?

Somehow, though, Allen doubted that that was what made the pink-haired man look so amazed.

"Oi, boy, are you done over there yet, or can we get going? I have a date pretty soon, and you're holding me up here!"

"Shut it, Tykki," Allen said, rolling his eyes. He walked up to the Noah, acting cool as a cucumber, before reaching over and slamming his fist in the man's face. "What the fuck took you so long?!"

Everyone froze and stared at the teen, even Tykki.

Who the fuck knew that Allen could swear?

Tykki didn't know what the hell was going on with the teenager at the moment, but he decided that he didn't want to deal with an Allen that was any more furious than the one he was dealing with already.

"It's a long trip to get here, boy, and I couldn't use the Ark to make it any faster. I apologize for that."

Allen almost face-planted from sheer astonishment. That was the most sincere thing that Allen had ever heard Tykki say in his life, and he had heard a lot of faux-sincere bullshit come out of that mouth in his time.

Allen sighed. He wanted to stay angry, but now wasn't the time for that. "Whatever, I forgive you. Just get me out of this hellhole, and maybe I'll consider that offer that you and Road made me so long ago before Cross came."

Tykki's eyebrow raised in astonishment. "You still remember that?"

Allen tapped the side of his head with a completely, almost painfully neutral expression. "Eidetic memory and perfect recall."

Tykki gave a low whistle. "You'd have made a good Bookman, boy. After all, you're acting skills are top-notch too, and I've yet to see you become attached to anyone, ever since that clown died."

"His name was Mana. Get it right, you narcissistic pleasure-philiac!" Allen hissed, and his tone was far angrier than any had ever heard it, even when Mr. Samurai-Junior (a.k.a. Kanda Yu) called Allen a beansprout.

Tykki raised his hands in surrender – which resulted in Howard Link being unceremoniously dropped on the floor like so much unwanted baggage.

Said blonde man immediately got up, however, and started screaming at Allen about being a traitor, all while said whitette looked at him, nonplussed.

Allen glanced at Tykki, who stared back at him, before pointedly looking at "Two Dots" (as Allen liked to call the man) and then raising an eyebrow at Tykki, like,  _You going to shut him up, or do you actually enjoy listening to a man scream like a teenager hitting puberty?_

Tykki grinned at the non-verbal message, and turned to the man beside him. In one swift, beautiful move of his hand, Howard Link was knocked unconscious mid-rant, and fell limply to the floor, with nobody really wanting to catch him.

Allen continued to stare at the man as he lay there on the floor. He felt like there was something he had forgotten to do...

Ah, that's right. He remembered now.

Allen picked the blonde man up and walked over to an empty table while everyone still watched, not doing anything. He set the man on said table, in a sitting position, and then pulled out a marker from his pocket.

In a swift series of strokes, Howard Link's face had been covered in doodles that were made to make him look as un-masculine as possible.

Allen capped the marker neutrally as he listened to – not just Tykki – but nearly everyone in the entire cafeteria withhold a snicker.

He smirked to himself. Even the people who had been calling him a traitor were laughing at Howard Link's face right now.

He had no idea that the blonde man was so unpopular.

"Right, let's go," Allen said, and walked right out of the cafeteria, and started following the apparent Trail of Destruction. (Allen had to mentally refrain from calling it the 'Tykki Trail of Pleasure' – his snarky quota had already been fulfilled, there was no reason to give people unrealistic expectations.)

Tykki hurried after him, and fell into step beside him with a huff. "You could have waited for me!" The Noah muttered.

Allen stopped and slowly turned his head to stare at Tykki. Said man flinched at the completely deadpan look on the white-haired teen's face. He just  _knew_ that the snark was about to come.

He was right, too.

"Because,  _of course_ , I  _didn't_ just spend  _three fucking days_ waiting for you to save me from this place, nor could anyone possibly expect me to not be patient enough that I can't wait what would most likely amount to another 20 minutes as you laugh your ass off over something that really wasn't that funny. No, of course not. How silly of me, please accept my sincerest apologies," Allen stated while he glared at the Noah.

Said man flinched every time the sarcasm in Allen's voice up-ed a notch.

This was bad.

He had never seen Allen Walker this pissed off before.

Not even when said teen was complaining about his so-called "Master", Cross Marian.

Not even when that Kanda guy called Allen a beansprout.

Not even when Black Allen came out to play poker.

All those were bad.

This was worse.

"I'm sorry! I got here as fast as I could, I swear!" Tykki had his hands raised in what may or may not be self-defense – if it was self-defense, Allen thought, it was a piss poor defense that he could break through even without his Innocence. Which is saying something.

Allen glared at Tykki for another moment, before completely ignoring the bastard and continuing to follow the Tykki Trail of Pleasure – screw giving people high expectations. He needed to snark or he was going to start killing people instead, and Allen Walker  _did not_ kill people for absolutely no reason at all. He just didn't. It wasn't something he did.

He'd never done so before, and he'd rather kiss BaKanda then start now.

Allen shuddered internally. That was a bad mental image. He wished he hadn't thought that.

Where the hell is the Brain Bleach when you need it?


End file.
